Too strong for too long?

I met a man named John during the latter part of 2006

This man named John loved me so much that he broke through every every defense mechanism; every rigid and lofty wall; and a very broad, dark moat  which surrounded a castle known as my heart.  ... In retrospect it wasn't the greatest mission - actually quite easy, I would say, because I didn't even see it coming!

I loved this man named John - and he called me his Princessa














This man named John intended a future which included him and me ... and me and him

This man named John had me joining him in dreams about children which would be borne from me ... and him.  Dreams of dancing in the rain; Dreams of coming home from work to take me into his arms as though he would NEVER let me go

Before this man name John I did not indulge talks of this nature, with any man. EVER !!

This man John had me looking forward to the future; watching every sunset & loving every sunrise ... a bright future as he saw it - instead of cowering away from any liaison which could possibly turn into an affair of the heart

This man named John had lit me up; Set my world ablaze; He had lightened my heart and it found itself smiling, often.

This man named John was taken from me - He succumbed to a brain annuerism while on a business trip, at the too-young age of 32.  He did not keep his promise of the usual 9.00 PM telephone call when he was supposed to have been back home after the usually lengthy train journey.  Instead I was awoken with a 5 am notice.

The love and loss I felt for this man named John had split by heart right down the middle - much like is done to a cool watermelon in the heart of Summer.  Prior to this, THIS heart had never even been dented;  never been tarnished with even a scratch.  Perfectly preserved, it was.   

I was so lost; I felt so completely lost; and bereft, inconsolable; and UTTERLY devastated!  There were times when I wanted to join this man named John;  times when it would have been quite easy to do so - but I couldn't.  it went against every belief I had.  And ALL the while it felt my heart would never, EVER be whole again.

What followed was a two grey years of disbelief; and tears; and grieving; and rationalization; and bargaining with God; even blaming and scolding with John and God.

There have been only a few moments/occasions which led to completely unexpected memory flashes which have caught me completely off guard.

Tonight ... tonight is such a time.


Almost anything can trigger a memory of a departed loved one.  And sometimes there is just no way to prepare for this unexpected dip, another wave of grief, another turret of tears.  The littlest things can prompt it, even years later. It turns out, we are not merely frail and mortal, we are also infinitely sensitive to the metamorphosis of loss, long after the dearly departed loved ones are in the ground.

So what does grief for a dead fiance look like over 7 years  later? Well I tell people it’s rather like having your arm, the one you write with, amputated. In the year after the amputation the initial shock and pain goes away, and the spot where your arm once was heals up. But every single day when you wake up, you know something essential is missing, and he is not coming back; no one last smile; no wit to challenge me with; no gentle brush of his hand over my face to dry my tears.  

What I look forward to now is not so much the next chapter - I feel that God has already blessed me with something so precious.  Something that so many folk go through ALL of their life, but never get to experience - The truest form of (non-maternal) love. 

What I look forward to is embracing John, again, telling him how much I loved him; and miss him; how much he changed me - for the better.  And how thankful I am to him for this gift - The gift of what it means to TRULY love someone - Happy or sad, It is what life is ALL about ... An experience of a life time.


.Tri