I chose ...

Posted elsewhere, originally, on Dec 190 2014 6:22 am.



Prescript: The below thoughts and experiences are more a note-to-self, much like placing a stake in the ground as a measuring stick, than a sharing. I have made NO presumptions.

(In-haling) 

The above image displays but a few examples of emotions and thoughts that I have, to varying degrees, felt over the past few years. Dealing with the death of a precious love, beloved Father and the gentle, yet fleeting, promise of a first-born (daughter/son, I'll never know) is gut-wrenching and utterly exhausting !!! 

I know, now, that if there was even just one extra chink in my armor, at ANY point along the way, I doubt that I would be here, today, to talk through this. 

I was strong-minded and unyielding before these events occurred. I am empathetic, keenly observant of what others are feeling, more tolerant, less-internal and strong, yet, open-minded subsequent to these events. I also know that I have been too strong for too very long (2nd Mary J. Blige reference on the wee Pixie's blog). I am tired of - sometimes it actually felt as though I was pretending to be strong but I KNOW that THAT was never true. 

I KNOW that the strength which got me through that dark time is a true reflection of how I felt, what I wanted and where I knew I needed to head toward. I KNOW this because the exhaustion was the direct result of endless battles on many, many dark days and nights. Going gently (into Shakespeare's good night) had always, and only ever, been a thought I entertained in the very early days of my grief when EVERYTHING  just.  felt.  too.  much. When negotiating, debating, arguing and sometimes
even fighting with God, was. just. too. much. 

My grieving process was much like overcoming an addiction. (I am able to make this correlation because in the more recent past I closely witnessed a near-impossible battle) You have to make decisions, DAILY, about whether or not you rise in the morning to face another day; whether or not to turn the wheel of your car or accelerate ever so slightly, perhaps into the path of another car; whether or not to eat; whether or not you are going to stay lost I that dark abyss (sometimes it can be very comforting there); whether or not you are going to going to continue wishing for the way things were. 

I kept wishing to be the person I was before these heart-felt losses. I have learnt over time, however, that you can never, ever, be that person again. You become (through no fault of your own) the sum of THAT person plus ALL of the experiences, emotions, hurt, love & hate that followed.

Grief changes you. You can either allow it to numb, destroy and darken your soul OR you can let (yes, let) it split open your heart, allow yourself to feel EVERYTHING and somehow find a way through, see in-living-color and MAKE THE MOST of LIFE.


The fact that I am here today, of (mostly) sound mind and body, means that: 
I CHOSE to not go gently into that good night. 
I CHOSE to appreciate sunrises and sunsets, again.
I CHOSE to see the blue of the sea; the green in the trees; and the golden hues of the sun, again.

I . CHOSE. TO. LIVE. 


(Ex-haling)



.Tri