I let it go ...

January 9 is the anniversary of the day that God took my John home.

For the past 8 'new years' a few days before January 9th, and after, has been rather sad and often stark and dark days during which my keel could be/become quite uneven.

This year it's been different. Though I can't quite put my finger on it ... Somehow I feel a li'l less sad and, in truth, I even managed QUITE a few smiles. They were heart-felt smiles ... and NOT the usual 'I smile too often so you can't see how I'm feeling' kind.

I am also recalling that this past festive season is the first time in 8 years that I've made various (thick) points of getting together with my family and closest friends, OFTEN!. I regret, that Naai and I couldn't quite get our calendar acts together and have yet to celebrate festively. I know, of course, that EVERYTHING happens the way it should so Í am not too-too concerned in this regard.

I have digressed.

On January 4th I took a drive to my favourite beach spot and took along a pretty coloured-glassed bottle containing a lengthy letter which I wrote exactly one year after John died. The letter drips with pain, sorrow & yearning. No regrets though - It's been more than 2 decades since I made the decision to live my life in such a way that I would never have regrets about what I did, or didn't do.

The letter goes as follows:

"My dearest John, 

You are my GREATEST love and my most valued gift from God. I never did get the opportunity to tell you how absolutely honoured I feel to have been your final love on this earth - God must have thought me special.

Folk I trust implicitly are saying to me that, eventually, this heavily saddened heart, even though I cannot even conceive it right now, WILL lighten.

I do not want for it as I do not ever want to forget, even for a second, just how much your presence enriched my life. I could never want my heavy heart lightened ?!!. Wanting that would surely mean that I want to forget you, wouldn't it? How could I EVER want that?

You KNOW me, right, John? ... And you know that I have to, realistically, consider a reality where what I'm being told might be true. IF that were the case then you must know that forgetting you could never be further from my heart of heart's desire.

IF I had to imagine myself in that reality then:
- I imagine that I have worked through a lifetime of tears, memories, little gems of wisdom you have shared with me, 'forgiving' God for determining that the lessons I needed to learn, could only be learnt in a world 'after you left it'... without you.
- I imagine I would have needed to reach a sound, and very reasonable, end of a lengthy reconciliation process ...
- I imagine that I could no longer wage reasonable arguments against the validity of the wisdoms I am constantly hearing: Yours, God's and the many, many folk who have loved and watched over me ...

You already know this to be true ... I loved you with all my heart. I thought we had forever, and ever, to love each other over, and over, and over again. I felt and saw, EVERY little bit of the love YOU felt for me ... For ME, John!!!! I never knew that I was worthy of a love like this.

IF I had to imagine myself in a reality where I felt that I could/should (ever) let you go then I imagine that there was so much love in my heart; so much happiness and contentment; and a GREAT deal of understanding of why it all unfolded the way it did.


Fare well, John ... I am letting you go now, knowing that when you left, you left with all of my love.

xxx "

My trip to the beach on January 4th consisted of a 1-person ceremony. I walked up to the surf, waded in slowly, stopped to stare over the waves and momentarily got lost in the motioning of the ocean. When I recovered from that stance my cheeks were tear-stained but my heart felt lightened. I felt confident. I waded in some more and then swam to the last rock I could see protruding from the sea's surface.

I sat down and said a prayer ... and then I let the bottle go.
Later that day I wrote the... Letting go ..." haiku post.


.Tri